Too much

I am blessed, and I really think that I need to start this post by saying that. I am healthy, loved, fairly smart and just all-over blessed.

That said, sometimes life feels overwhelming. I am very fortunate to have the means to attend graduate school. However, writing a dissertation is incredibly time-consuming and difficult on a normal day. There's researching, writing, editing, interviewing, transcribing and analyzing involved -- sometimes all at once. Adding in work, pregnancy, trying to comprehend that I am soon to be a parent, nesting, pre-parenting classes, illness, everyday chores, baby showers and relationships with Scott, friends and family is enough to make me nearly lose my mind. Each of these things is great in its own right (well, not illness perhaps). It is just that I am having difficulty doing them all at the same time. Not to mention the fact that my energy level is decreasing and I can do less and less every day. This does not sit well with me. I am very hard on myself and not finishing anything I start (unless it is food, preferrably a milkshake) is maddening. I am a perfectionist. Even this post will be edited approximately 5 times before I publish it. Being reduced to tears this morning over the mere thought of going to work for a few hours did not do much for my self-confidence. Having to cancel a day of work to stay home and sleep makes me a quite judgmental of myself and just a bit edgy.

I want to be a mommy. That, along with being married to a wonderful man, are the only things that I have wanted to do for my whole life. Other goals have come and gone. I want to enjoy this process of becoming a mommy and sometimes wish that everything else (namely school) would just get out of the way!