Last peaceful weekend... sort of

A planned c-section is both a blessing and a curse. While it is wonderful to be able to plan, (especially for me), it is also nerve-wracking. I feel like there is a clock over my head that keeps ticking louder and louder with every passing minute. This is my last Saturday morning to sleep in and then sit in near perfect silence. These are the last days of almost being bored. This is our last weekend to pretend we are spontaneous and take only a few minutes to get ourselves out of the house. I have two days to finish Chapter 5. I have four days to get the house in order -- probably for the last time in 20+ years.

Family and friends are being supportive and wonderful, letting us know that they will do whatever we want when Ella is born and to take our time. But when will we know what we want? I don't even know what to expect in the first place, let alone how I will communicate what our wishes are those of you who are "out there" -- once we figure out what they are. I am freaking out, trying to create a schedule of this ambiguous chain of events. One minute, I am scared that no one will come visit us for the four days I'll be trapped in Beaumont. The next, I am frightened that I will never get any alone time, should I decide that I want it. My parents, God bless them, are trying to honor my wishes as to when to be there, but I have no idea what to tell them, a problem which may quickly become catastrophic.

And I get the distinct feeling that I am fading already. That I am orchestrating an event that has everything to do with me right now -- only because I am the only one that is capable of orchestrating anything at all besides belly-rocking twists and turns. This is my first peek into motherhood. A place where you are really, really involved and really, really not the star of the show.

So to those of you who are "out there", please forgive me. Remind me that you want to come visit and don't take it personally if I start sobbing -- either because I wondered if you would ever call or because I really need to sleep instead. For those of you who are moms, I am sure you will remember feeling somewhat like this. If you are not too exhausted from picking up toys for the tenth time in a day or running kids to one event or another or staying up all night with a child who has the flu or bad dreams, please find it in your hearts to pray that I can manage to have some sort of grace this week and more than enough energy to marvel at the arrival of my daughter.